Battling the Black Dog

Patterns...

2006-12-11T16:38:00.000Z

There are patterns to my depression that I've only recently noticed.

First of all there's usually a big increase in stress that causes me trouble. It could be caused by anything (like extra work, feeling lazy all the time and so getting angry with myself, being perfectionist with anything I do and thus never finishing anything...)

Then, as the stress increases, my drive to sort it all out decreases. So if there's extra work to do, for example, it won't get done until the last minute. It's normally around this time that I stop doing things that will decrease my stress - such as going to the gym and eating properly - and doing things that will ultimately increase it - such as spending whole days playing computer games.

Then, as my laziness gets the better of me, I turn up late to lectures with no prior knowledge of what we're going to cover, I turn up to labs with no preparation, I cook dinner really late (and only because I cook for Sean too, I can tell from experience that I wouldn't even be eating if I only cooked for myself), and I'll start to lose interest in sex. And then I notice my moods changing.

I'll completely ignore all the little nice things Sean does for me (like giving me a hug in the morning before I go to uni) and start to make a big deal out of all the small nasty things everyone does (especially the things my house mate does that rub me the wrong way). Suddenly I'll get upset over the smallest things (like losing my keys for five seconds) and I'll easily cry at things like sad moments in TV shows - something I never used to do. I'd easily react to anything directed my way that could in any way be interpreted as a criticism. It's around this point that I usually decide that vast amounts of alcohol are good for me (although, I usually don't get my hands on it).

Suddenly, when I least expect it, one little comment (admittedly, usually from Sean) will start me crying, really really crying, and everything that's been annoying me for the last month or so, and longer (such as my apparent loathing of my looks) will surface to my mind.

Then, as much as I hate it and as much as it's probably good for me, Sean treats me with extra care over the next few days and within a week I'm happy again.

This pattern, I think, has been going on and on for a few years. Sometimes some stages are longer - the losing interest in sex, being late for everything and just generally loathing myself stage lasted for most of one of my years at college - sometimes some stages last for half a day, but I can definitely see it. It just repeats all the time, and the happiness stage doesn't usually last that long. A month perhaps, if I'm lucky.

I'm currently in the doing everything at the last minute and playing on computer games stage. I don't want to get any further. I need to change so that I'm happy over Christmas.

I think I'll go to the gym to work out of it.

Tomorrow.

13/10/06 - The end of the week

2006-10-14T09:34:00.000Z

So. It's the end of the first week at uni. I've achieved quite a lot - I've signed up
to three socities and I think I'll at least properly join two of them. I've gotten
back in contact with a good friend of mine. I've managed to already organise
my homework scedule and, most importantly I think, I've come to a conclusion
about what I'm going to do with my future. And both Sean and my parents
approve. Infact, my parents were a lot more approving than I thought they
were going to be. Oh, let's not forget that Sean and I have been talking a lot
about our future.

A couple of nights ago I couldn't sleep and when I asked Sean if he was still awake, he said he was nearly asleep. So I decided to not talk about our talk a week ago. But he pressed me to voice what was on my mind. So I did. To begin
with, it felt as if I was going to break down in tears again. But I didn't. In fact,
it turned out to be a deep conversation about our relationship, with none of the
hurting like before. It felt good to talk to him. In the end I voiced something that
had been bugging me for a while, "And the D/s?" I asked. I wanted to know if it was something he seriously considered to be
part of our relationship, if it really was something he saw as taking place outside
the bedroom. He said that he felt that it'll help our relationship, at least in the
next few years while I'm still at Uni. He said it was something that'll keep me
disciplined, and I agree fully. In fact, it's something I've been thinking about
more since we answered the Weekender Question on S&M Blog a while back,
of "How far do you want to take the master/sub thing?" Sean answered that he wanted:

"a very obedient, happy and loving slave. I want Mel to do her chores and clean up behind herself without me having to tell her to. I want her to become a tidier, more organised person, more for her sake than mine. I want her to be open and honest, and not afraid to share her mind, no matter how dark her thoughts. I want her to ask for my guidance when she needs it, and to really listen to the advice I give. I want a much larger list of rules that we have both agreed upon. I want to know that any concerns that either of us have can be openly expressed and discussed, and be solved between us."

This whole statement is something I want to strive for. It's what I want out of
our D/s too. And this was confirmed when we talked.

So there are many things that are currently right with our relationship. There
are niggles. And they're not going to go away unless I learn to tell Sean about them rather than letting them build up. One of the niggles was about the washing up, the fact that he
lets it build up over 24 hours and then does most of it. But that's been resolved,
even if it did take an argument to resolve it, due to my not mentioning it until it
really bugged me. But it's done. And I need to learn to tell him of my niggles
before they build up again.

07/10/06 - Awesome head

2006-10-07T20:00:00.000Z

Got up I think around 10:30 after reading for a bit with Sean. Today's been a bit of a blur, it's gone by real fast. Im still in my PJs from this morning!

Spent the day having my hair braided by Sean. It looks so cool now! There's just four braids left to be finished. It is coooo-ool!

Sean spent the day preparing me for giving him a "Boob job" by telling me that I will thank him by giving him a surprise, and then by going on to tell me what that surprise was. So I did. I went and wrote on S&M Blog about it first, and suggested to Sean that he should read it. It was great. He directed me downstairs to wash him, then back upstairs. When I looked at him and smiled, he asked me what I wanted. So I told him, just in the way he told me to; "I want you to fuck my boobies!"

You can read the rest here, in a post Sean wrote afterwards.

So today's been a good day. Just one hiccough - when I got a little annoyed by Sean not tidying up a mess (which, admittedly, I made most of) when I had asked him to quite a few times when I was making lunch. Sometimes I do think he takes me cooking for him for granted... but then I enjoy it (cooking, that is. Not being taken for granted) and if I didn't then he wouldn't be eating that well.

And I am ment to be his slave, afterall. Which reminds me, I must start looking into other people's rules, like I said I would.

Tomorrow:

Answer the Weekender question (yikes! I think I'll tackle it over a few hours)
Go 'round D's for breakfast, after prodding Sean to have a shower
Tidy up mess so that it at least looks presentable. This includes:

Boxes at bottom of stairs
Laundry
Move boxes in bedroom
Tidy up lounge table

Work out menu
Shopping - both getting short term supplies and the fortnight delivery
Prepare for Monday - first day at Uni. (Cook lunch the night before?)
Film on at cinema

Gosh, now that's a huge list.

06/10/06 - Opening up

2006-10-06T20:47:00.000Z

I'm afraid that if I write about what I want to write about then I'll break down into tears. I'm going to do it anyway.

Over the last couple of days, Sean and I have been talking. Infact, it was mostly him that did the talking, I was just listening mostly and adding what I could when I thought I could deal with it. There was a day a few weeks ago when I told Sean that he's to stop treating me as if I'm too fragile to handle any thing remotely upsetting. So since then he's been opening up to me.

Last night, Sean and I started talking over making dinner about a very difficult subject. I guess it really started a couple of weeks ago, when Sean said he felt that he wasn't in love with me any more. The subject, for whatever reason, came up yesterday and in the end we had to go on a walk to stop having to worry about our house-mates.

It's something we've tackled before. The chemical high of being in love only lasts up to 18 months. We've been together for six and a half years. The first time it happened - and we were aware of it and didn't like it - we were younger and living further apart. We decided to have a break for a week. In that time, not much happened. It was in time for me to go to a friend's party and declare that I "needed a man", but nothing really happened (Besides kissing a good friend's boyfriend) and at the end of the week we returned to our relationship fully refreashed. The second time it happened things were different. For one, I didn't notice as by that time the Black Dog had bitten me hard and still had his teeth in. Sean noticed, though, but felt he couldn't say anything because he didn't want to hurt me. So he got through it on his own.

This time, we both know.

And the feeling isn't nice. It feels like we're just good friends. Infact, "just like two people" is the way that I put it when Sean was trying to voice his feelings. The talk we had lasted a long time, we walked round the block (a very large block) three times at a snail's pace, and then we carried it on in our bedroom. Quite a lot of tears were shed. We tried to resolve it all, and the only thing we could both see was to break up. Which scared the shit out of me.

I got to the conclusion last night that I cared for Sean deeply, I want to please him and make him happy and make sure he eats right and doesn't always feel ill... But that I wasn't sure that I loved him any more.

I was about to phone Sally, and talk to her as a person who knows us both who could give more impartial advice than Sean could. Sean was just about to leave to go round a friend's house to talk, and he kissed me... he went to kiss my forehead and I lent so that he missed my forehead completely and went for my lips. Just as he was going I said "I love you" ... And then it was all suddenly okay.

It was a massive revalation.

It was like there was someone saying, "Hang on a moment! You DO love him! Now go and finish dinner."

So that's what I did. I didn't phone Sally, Sean didn't go out. We went and made dinner together and then we went and ate it infront of the tele like normal.

Tonight, I have drunk quite a bit, and we had dinner really early so we watched a hell of a lot of tele. And there I was, lying on his shoulder, arms draped over his chest, his arms around me and pulling me close. Totally content. Nothing could have made it better. Even though I don't feel in love with Sean at the moment, I couldn't be happier. I love him. I really, really do.

And I need to hire a man with a bat to hit me over the head incase I think I don't love him any more.

03/10/06 - Bad Girl II

2006-10-03T22:44:00.000Z

Once again I've been a bad girl. I need to learn to leave time at the end of the evening to write my diary. I guess it was a bit easier when I was writing it in a book, but now it's on the PC it's a bit harder.

Today I woke at around half 9 and by ten (would you believe it!) we were up. I was a bit disappointed because Sean had agreed to having some fun this morning, but we never did. I said at the time though that I didn't mind if we just got up, and truthfully I didn't really. I was just a little disappointed because I knew that by tonight I'd be on (I've had stomach cramps for the last three days, getting more and more painful, so I knew)

We jumped out of bed at ten, did our morning routines on the PCs and then by half ten I was in the shower, washing my hair to have it braided. After that, it was already time for lunch! and then Sean did two layers on my hair. It looks great so far, and took a long time as he's doing it so carefully. And then it was already time to make dinner! I've started on a higher fibre diet today, to try to combat Sean's IBS. I've been taking advice to increase our daily fibre intake by 5g (taking it up to a mere 13g) for a month to see how things go. After that, I need to increase by another 5g for a further month and if no improvement then another 5g. I need to be careful then to not take it over 28g as that's far too much.

Anyway.

After dinner it was straight to the Uni Cinema to see The Da Vinci Code. Brill film, and mostly true to the book too. I say bravo to the screen writers. And now it's nearly 11 and time for bed.

There was only one bad time today (first in a while) in which I constantly talked over Sean. I don't remember why, though ever since the other day I have become aware of it being when I think he's got the wrong idea about whatever it is I'm trying to say. Then he persists on trying to explain his POV and I get frustrated and it turns nasty. I earned two extra spanks today, on top of earning 7 yesterday due to being home late from the shops. I have a feeling that they're going to build up as I've been agitated all during my PMS and it's not going to let up for a few days (Because I happen to be one of the unfortunate women who have 5 day long PMS and 7+ day long periods. Grr)

Anyway, I think that's it.

29/09/06 - Bad Girl

2006-09-29T22:23:00.000Z

First. I've been bad. I haven't written here for the last two days. I don't think I can really update about what happened the last few days though 'cos I can't remember. I don't think there were any bad points, any way.

Today, got up at around half 10 after waking at 9 and reading to Sean for a while. It's at the stage in that book too where I just want to find out what happens and finish it - though because it's The Science of Discworld (III) we have to take it slowly because of the science chapters. They get rather heavy and it takes time for it all to sink in. Spent time on the PC before making lunch. I got a bit frustrated with Sean as he was typing up his Uni timetable - I wanted it printed so I could try and start to plan our new weekly menu around the times we'd both be working. He was faffing with it and eventually I went and made lunch anyway without finishing what I had set out to do. All I wanted to know was if it was possible to have four smaller meals a day instead of three larger ones. I hate to have something on my mind that needs dealing with and not being able to deal with it. Any way, I made lunch and it was okay. Afterwards, I think I carried on trying to sort stuff out for Sean's diet - we're going to change it for the better once I do get to work on it for a while (at the weekend, methinks) but in the end I got worked up about something. It's funny, I don't remember it now. I did keep on talking over Sean, which he hates, and in the end I removed myself before I cried. I hate crying for no reason, and I didn't want to as crying would have made it worse. Sean's been stressed, or at least he's had something pent up inside, as he's quick to anger and I think had I stayed around I would've broken down as he shouts without thinking and without meaning to. His shouting upsets me because it's so unusual. When he shouts I know I've been bad.

So I went downstairs and played on the PlayStation. It was good to let out some steam. Sean joined be a while later and my angry-ness and his angry-ness just disapeared. He went and did some more work and I spent even more time infornt of the game machine. About half and hour later, Sean joined me again and he took over and I got into dreading his hair for him. I finished it today, and it looks good! It was good to have something fiddly to keep my mind occupied and after that it was time for tea (around half 7) and then TV and now it's half 10. I don't know where the time goes. I can't wait to go back to uni.

Some rules we kinda discussed last night and today. He hates me talking over him and interupting. I really need to stop doing it. Also, we both agree that my shaven pussy is the way it should be. So I need to shave it once a week. Another one we discussed a week or so ago is that I might sleep on the floor once a week. It's something I quite enjoyed at my birthday and it's something he needs so he can sleep well.

Should I mention that perhaps the reason I haven't written is because we've had sex three times in two days? Oh. I did. *grin*

Tomorrow

Really need to do that oven
Watch my mouth and see how hard it is to not talk over Sean
Put laundry away - it's been out drying in our living room for two days!
Pack bag for Sean for the weekend

26/09/06 - turning the tabels

2006-09-26T22:56:00.000Z

Woke at around 10 and stayed in bed till 11 reading Mr. Herbert. It's getting rather interesting, if disturbing. Greeted Sean's mum on the doorstep in my dressing gown at 11. Second time in two days I've greeted a relative in the morning in barely any clothing. It's somewhat embarrasing! After that, I went on the computer for hardly any time at all (just while I ate breakfast) and then I set about cleaning downstairs. I was in a cleaning mood I think. I swept the floors, mopped what needed mopping and hoovered what needed hovering. I put on a load of washing and took in yesterdays. Some of this I did while Sean was out, and I'm only sorry that I didn't do the washing up while he was out (I was mopping when he came back), 'cos then I think he would've been really proud of me.

That's when the day took a bit of a turn. It was half one when I was finished and I decided I needed a break. I think it was well deserved, though I spent took much time on it. You see, my fingers had been itching to start having a look at all the merchandise that my grandparents brought round yesterday. So I did. And that's all I did until half four, when both our stomachs starting growling. I grudenly left the merchandise and went a made lunch (more left overs form the weekend) and then suddenly it was six. I spent more time on the merchandise and then we went for a walk to my campus to get some fresh air and see how long it took (about 20 minutes) then suddenly it was half 8 and I started dinner.

Sean has been saying for a few days that he doesn't feel good (his guts give him trouble) and said he was going to go for another walk. But that changed as he came and sat on my lap and just started crying. I tried best as I could to comfort him and see what was wrong. I think it was his guts to begin with, but once he started he couldn't stop. I know this well, it's what happens to me too. He went to think outloud about our relationship and as he was sobbing loudly as he spoke, that's when the tears came to my eyes. A part of him says it's all okay and he feels comforted by me and he loves me. Another part says that we're just two people, just friends, not really partners any more. The phrase "just two people" was one that I came up with, as I felt the same way, and I'm afraid that now I've vocalised it, put it into words, it's easier for him to think that way (as he felt like it too). I hope not, but time will tell. It's very strange for me to see Sean that way, as he's the one who supports me. I hope we can get through it - that is both of our black dogs, together.

That's it for tonight. I don't think Sean was damaged by his outburst earlier, as he's currently humping my bottom.

Things tomorrow:

More washing
Start to unpack clothes from boxes

25/09/06 - aftermath

2006-09-25T20:54:00.000Z

I woke at 7:20am today to try to see Sally and Mark out, they had a very early travel arrangement. I was awake, and was actually able to hold a coherrent conversation. I was very impressed.

I had planned on staying awake but I was tempted back to bed to carry on reading my latest James Herbert thriller. And within an hour I was back asleep. Sean informs me that I was even snoring loudly!

I woke with a start at what I thought was 10am to the doorbell. It was my grandparents, they'd come round as previously arranged, to drop off some merchandise for us to sell on E-Bay. I had completely forgotten that they had come, and learned from my Gran that it was actually 11am and I had told them that I'd be up by then. I was very embarassed by the state of the house from the party the night before, but they didn't mind and even grabbed a bin-liner to tidy up the rubbish while I went and got dressed. We went through the merchandise and I liked what I saw. They left around 12:30 and then I set to work making a lunch out of left over salad from yesterday.

Sean insisted that we spend a while tidying at least the downstairs after lunch. A part of me just wanted to catalogue all the merchandise, I get all excited by the thought of organising things and doing paperwork. I don't know why. Apparently Virgos are supposed to be tidy perfectionists. While I can't say I'm generally a tidy person, I do have a love of organisation. I just need to apply that love to the general upkeep of the house too...

Anyway, I resisted the temptation, and the downstairs did get a good clean. So did the office. I even did some laundry. By then it was already quarter to 7 in the evening, and I had just enough time to set myself up an area in the office to start cataloging tomorrow. There's a part of me that actually can't wait to do it! Madness, I tell you.

I cooked dinner from half seven to half 8 and we sat down to watch Invasion while eating. That's a long TV program, so it took up all the time until half 9. Sean wanted to be in bed for 10 (It's just gone past) but we want to answer The Weekender question first.

Tommorrow:

Another load of washing would be nice
So would be hovering. (By nice, I mean nice for the household, not for me)
Then I can start sorting through the merchandise. Yey!
Continue the birthday story on S&M Blog

The week:

Other posts to write and save in drafts (publish when needed):

The long, loving sex after the scene.
The spank me lots sex after the love making sex.
The developments in my fantasy about J

Really do need to look up how I'm supposed to be writing this diary

24/09/06 - BBQ

2006-09-25T20:42:00.000Z

Sally and Mark's bus got to town at 10am, so I was up by half 9. Well, I was going to be, but I ended up staying in bed till half 10 when they phoned to say that the shops they wanted to go in first didn't open till 11. It was good to read in the morning, even though Sean stayed asleep. Spent the morning tidying up - was actually getting into it in the end. Also did lots of cooking, I'm finding that I quite like it. Salads, cold foods, it was great. More guests arrived from three and then the guys started the BBQ. It was a really enjoyable day - not the typical student party; for one we hardly drank and for two it was really chilled out and we all enjoyed each other's company. I met some friends I hadn't seen in ages. The only slightly sour bit was when two friends cornered me in the kitchen and asked when Sean and I are going to be married. I sort of shurgged it off and left it at "Before we're thirty, but after I graduate." I didn't want to really think about it as Sean tells me whenever we bring it up that he's not ready for it and some phrases he says upset me a little. He doesn't say horrid things, but it just upsets me. Probably just because he doesn't sugar-coat our conversations. Which is a good thing.

Yes, all round, it was a good day. Went to sleep by 1am.

23/09/06 - Procrastination is my fiend

2006-09-23T21:34:00.000Z

Last night, after writing the post, I found out that Sean had just "got into the zone" with his work, so we didn't go to bed early, as planned. Instead I trimmed my pubic hair - something I'd been meaning to do for ages. Then went and had a shower and Sean joined me when he was finished (he also went for a walk cos he didn't feel good). Shaved pubic hair off completely. It feels lovely now, and I feel so much better about Sean going down on me. I can just lie back and let him get on with it... Didn't get to bed until 11pm and then Sean and I had some fun, he just couldn't turn down my freashly shaved pussy, now, could he? Went to sleep somewhere around 1 I think, and no worried thoughts :)

Woke at around 9:30 am and lazed around for a bit. Read to Sean. Still loving that morning time. Really need to savour it while I still can. We finally got up at 11ish. Did a quick routiene on the computer, well, it felt quick but it wasn't really. Lunch wasn't until 3 (yikes!) and then after that... well, it seems I must've wasted most of the day again. But I'm feeling really good. Ahh, we watched a really long TV programme over lunch, about the book of revalations in the Bible. Tony Robinson presented it and it ended really well. After that I suggested to Sean that I might like some head (following the experience I had last night) and he let me have it. In the end we 69'd for a while until I came and then he let me have him in me without a condom. Fantastic! Right near the end was the best, orgasm after orgasm without much of a pause inbetween. I wasn't sorry when he came, though; in my mouth, may I add. I was exhusted. Had to do dinner straight after that 'cos it was already 6. I don't think I'll be doing burgers again. They smoke the oven out. Feeling loads better today - our talk yesterday must've cleared the air. Sean agrees.

Tomorrow:

Really, really, must tidy house (or at least downstairs) for the BBQ
Up by half 9 at the latest to meet Sally and Mark and maybe even start tidying before they come.

22/09/06 - Opening the communication channels

2006-09-22T22:46:00.000Z

After writing post last night, Sean still had work to do so read through the rules I had found. They raise some very good points and I'd like to read through them again soon. Didn't get to bed until around 11, and Sean read to me for quite a while. Couldn't sleep when light turned off, so we talked. It was good, we talked about the weekend we met. It made me feel close to him. So close, in-fact, that I decided to tell him something that had been playing on my mind for some time. I said to him that I have been feeling insecure about our relationship. He said he didn't want to talk about it so close to bedtime. I saw where he was coming from, but I couldn't help but think about it. I told him that I've been feeling really broody too. And really I have. There was a part of me that just wanted to make our relationship a proper commitment and then I wouldn't feel so insecure about it. But that's such a bad reason to get married and have a baby.

My mind carried on thinking about the time we met up with Sally, Mark and all of their friends. All of the females had engagement rings. We sat at a table while the men went and got the drinks, and they were all talking about how their weddings were going to go and everything. I enquired if all of them were "properly engaged", if they'd talked to their parents about it. Yes, yes they were. I felt left out, but most of all jealous. Sean and I had been together for longer than any of the other couples there. We had a deeper, more meaningful relationship than any of them. We'd been through so much more. Why wasn't I the one who was properly engaged? Why weren't we talking about my wedding day, my future with my husband? The names we were going to call our children?

All this was going round my head, and then I started to think about another friend of mine, who I have recently learned is five months pregnant. I was suddenly insanely jealous. I couldn't sleep for ages.

I woke at around half nine and by ten I was reading to Sean. Thoughts of last night out of my mind. Out of bed at half 11 and by 12:50 had left for town to do shopping. Was determined that I wouldn't spend all day on the PC like yesterday - and I didn't. I was very proud of that. Made lunch, was good, and watched tele with Sean. Spent a little bit of time on the PC upkeeping BlogStormz! then Sean decided we had to have a "heart to heart".

He wanted to talk about what I had said last night, about feeling insecure. He said that he'd been feeling like it for a while and maybe it was rubbing off on me. He said he thought his main problem was that he wasn't in love with me any more. It's something we've both come across before. The feeling of being in love doesn't last long - 18 months at most. Sometime around February I fell in love with Sean all over again and the feeling was fantastic. I was top of the world, and nothing could bring me down. I didn't have any black dog attacks and it lasted all the way until my Grandad died. Then I had five days of crying myself to sleep - just like during the black days. The feeling of being in love disapeared and I haven't had it since. We both know this and we've delt with it before. But hearing him say that he isn't in love with me did cause a tear in my eye. But it's all fine. Once he got it off his chest, he felt loads better about our relationship and I knew where he was coming from. I had told him the other day to stop treating me like I was fragile and was going to break down into a nervous breakdown, so he did, and I'm glad for it. Nethier of us want the relationship to end, so it isn't going to. Today is a big step in Getting Things Back To Normal.

After that, we made dinner together - playing on PlayStation while it cooked.
After dinner, we went for a walk and I told him I was finally feeling good about our talk - until then I didn't feel too good about it and didn't really know what I should do. But I think things should just carry on, and now I think our channels of communication have been opened, just like they were before the black days.

Even got the the stage of talking about threesomes. That's something I'd really like to try one day.

Things for tomorrow:

Party is Sunday, so really do need to tidy up house for it. Sally and Mark may be coming tomorrow. Would like to somehow open up to Sally about Sean and I. She knows me the best and it'd be great to have her as a "best friend". She doesn't know about my black days at all, though I alluded to them last week.

Things for the week:

Look in the Black Dog book about keeping a diary

21/09/06 - musings about size

2006-09-21T21:10:00.000Z

Woke up at 10:30am. Read to Sean until 11:15am. I love this morning time together. I want to cherish it while I still can. There's only two weeks to uni, then after that this will probably only happen at the weekends.

11:15am - 2:00pm I did my "morning duties" - checked e-mail, checked on BlogStormz!, got both of us breakfast, started planing our HNT (as it's Thursday), then carried on to update this very blog - as I decided I wanted to start it again. What caused this was my "episode" last night; I don't really know what happened, suffice to say both Sean and I were upset by the end of it. I spent way too much time on the PC this morning, and didn't get lunch done till half two.

Watched TV over lunch. That's another time I really enjoy being with Sean. Another time that'll be severely reduced come the start of uni.

I think I pretty much carried on playing on the computer until around four when Sean decided it was "cuddle time". That's when I mentioned the HNT pic, and within moments he had me naked and tied up. Many, many photos were taken and once Sean was happy he'd taken one he liked he gave me a treat. A BIG treat, if you know what I mean. He kept me tied up, and mounted me from the rear. It kinda hurt, I don't think I was ready for it. There's a part of me that wants to go off and find out just how big he is compared to other men. I wonder if my lack of deep-throating skills and my dislike of anal sex is because he's big. I mean, I can't even handle rough doggy style anymore. I want to be pleasing, I want to take what he wants to give (he's still keen on the anal idea. I've had enough after three tries, even though it was a long time ago) but I don't think I can.

Dinner was a bit of a blunder, but it tasted good. We're planning to be in bed for half 9 and read together until around 10. Early night tonight after last night!

Black Dog attacks - none. Still kinda recovering from the one last night. Still feel a little fragile, and the aches in my tummy (from this afternoon) and in my boobs (from Sean's massive mistreatment of them last night) isn't helping on that front.

Things to do tomorrow

Look in the Black Dog book about keeping a diary
Read over the rules I've just found
Tidy downstairs in peraparation for a weekend party