22/09/06 - Opening the communication channels
After writing post last night, Sean still had work to do so read through the rules I had found. They raise some very good points and I'd like to read through them again soon. Didn't get to bed until around 11, and Sean read to me for quite a while. Couldn't sleep when light turned off, so we talked. It was good, we talked about the weekend we met. It made me feel close to him. So close, in-fact, that I decided to tell him something that had been playing on my mind for some time. I said to him that I have been feeling insecure about our relationship. He said he didn't want to talk about it so close to bedtime. I saw where he was coming from, but I couldn't help but think about it. I told him that I've been feeling really broody too. And really I have. There was a part of me that just wanted to make our relationship a proper commitment and then I wouldn't feel so insecure about it. But that's such a bad reason to get married and have a baby.
My mind carried on thinking about the time we met up with Sally, Mark and all of their friends. All of the females had engagement rings. We sat at a table while the men went and got the drinks, and they were all talking about how their weddings were going to go and everything. I enquired if all of them were "properly engaged", if they'd talked to their parents about it. Yes, yes they were. I felt left out, but most of all jealous. Sean and I had been together for longer than any of the other couples there. We had a deeper, more meaningful relationship than any of them. We'd been through so much more. Why wasn't I the one who was properly engaged? Why weren't we talking about my wedding day, my future with my husband? The names we were going to call our children?
All this was going round my head, and then I started to think about another friend of mine, who I have recently learned is five months pregnant. I was suddenly insanely jealous. I couldn't sleep for ages.
I woke at around half nine and by ten I was reading to Sean. Thoughts of last night out of my mind. Out of bed at half 11 and by 12:50 had left for town to do shopping. Was determined that I wouldn't spend all day on the PC like yesterday - and I didn't. I was very proud of that. Made lunch, was good, and watched tele with Sean. Spent a little bit of time on the PC upkeeping BlogStormz! then Sean decided we had to have a "heart to heart".
He wanted to talk about what I had said last night, about feeling insecure. He said that he'd been feeling like it for a while and maybe it was rubbing off on me. He said he thought his main problem was that he wasn't in love with me any more. It's something we've both come across before. The feeling of being in love doesn't last long - 18 months at most. Sometime around February I fell in love with Sean all over again and the feeling was fantastic. I was top of the world, and nothing could bring me down. I didn't have any black dog attacks and it lasted all the way until my Grandad died. Then I had five days of crying myself to sleep - just like during the black days. The feeling of being in love disapeared and I haven't had it since. We both know this and we've delt with it before. But hearing him say that he isn't in love with me did cause a tear in my eye. But it's all fine. Once he got it off his chest, he felt loads better about our relationship and I knew where he was coming from. I had told him the other day to stop treating me like I was fragile and was going to break down into a nervous breakdown, so he did, and I'm glad for it. Nethier of us want the relationship to end, so it isn't going to. Today is a big step in Getting Things Back To Normal.
After that, we made dinner together - playing on PlayStation while it cooked.
After dinner, we went for a walk and I told him I was finally feeling good about our talk - until then I didn't feel too good about it and didn't really know what I should do. But I think things should just carry on, and now I think our channels of communication have been opened, just like they were before the black days.
Even got the the stage of talking about threesomes. That's something I'd really like to try one day.
Things for tomorrow:
My mind carried on thinking about the time we met up with Sally, Mark and all of their friends. All of the females had engagement rings. We sat at a table while the men went and got the drinks, and they were all talking about how their weddings were going to go and everything. I enquired if all of them were "properly engaged", if they'd talked to their parents about it. Yes, yes they were. I felt left out, but most of all jealous. Sean and I had been together for longer than any of the other couples there. We had a deeper, more meaningful relationship than any of them. We'd been through so much more. Why wasn't I the one who was properly engaged? Why weren't we talking about my wedding day, my future with my husband? The names we were going to call our children?
All this was going round my head, and then I started to think about another friend of mine, who I have recently learned is five months pregnant. I was suddenly insanely jealous. I couldn't sleep for ages.
I woke at around half nine and by ten I was reading to Sean. Thoughts of last night out of my mind. Out of bed at half 11 and by 12:50 had left for town to do shopping. Was determined that I wouldn't spend all day on the PC like yesterday - and I didn't. I was very proud of that. Made lunch, was good, and watched tele with Sean. Spent a little bit of time on the PC upkeeping BlogStormz! then Sean decided we had to have a "heart to heart".
He wanted to talk about what I had said last night, about feeling insecure. He said that he'd been feeling like it for a while and maybe it was rubbing off on me. He said he thought his main problem was that he wasn't in love with me any more. It's something we've both come across before. The feeling of being in love doesn't last long - 18 months at most. Sometime around February I fell in love with Sean all over again and the feeling was fantastic. I was top of the world, and nothing could bring me down. I didn't have any black dog attacks and it lasted all the way until my Grandad died. Then I had five days of crying myself to sleep - just like during the black days. The feeling of being in love disapeared and I haven't had it since. We both know this and we've delt with it before. But hearing him say that he isn't in love with me did cause a tear in my eye. But it's all fine. Once he got it off his chest, he felt loads better about our relationship and I knew where he was coming from. I had told him the other day to stop treating me like I was fragile and was going to break down into a nervous breakdown, so he did, and I'm glad for it. Nethier of us want the relationship to end, so it isn't going to. Today is a big step in Getting Things Back To Normal.
After that, we made dinner together - playing on PlayStation while it cooked.
After dinner, we went for a walk and I told him I was finally feeling good about our talk - until then I didn't feel too good about it and didn't really know what I should do. But I think things should just carry on, and now I think our channels of communication have been opened, just like they were before the black days.
Even got the the stage of talking about threesomes. That's something I'd really like to try one day.
Things for tomorrow:
- Party is Sunday, so really do need to tidy up house for it. Sally and Mark may be coming tomorrow. Would like to somehow open up to Sally about Sean and I. She knows me the best and it'd be great to have her as a "best friend". She doesn't know about my black days at all, though I alluded to them last week.
- Look in the Black Dog book about keeping a diary
posted by Mel at 10:46 pm
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