06/10/06 - Opening up
I'm afraid that if I write about what I want to write about then I'll break down into tears. I'm going to do it anyway.
Over the last couple of days, Sean and I have been talking. Infact, it was mostly him that did the talking, I was just listening mostly and adding what I could when I thought I could deal with it. There was a day a few weeks ago when I told Sean that he's to stop treating me as if I'm too fragile to handle any thing remotely upsetting. So since then he's been opening up to me.
Last night, Sean and I started talking over making dinner about a very difficult subject. I guess it really started a couple of weeks ago, when Sean said he felt that he wasn't in love with me any more. The subject, for whatever reason, came up yesterday and in the end we had to go on a walk to stop having to worry about our house-mates.
It's something we've tackled before. The chemical high of being in love only lasts up to 18 months. We've been together for six and a half years. The first time it happened - and we were aware of it and didn't like it - we were younger and living further apart. We decided to have a break for a week. In that time, not much happened. It was in time for me to go to a friend's party and declare that I "needed a man", but nothing really happened (Besides kissing a good friend's boyfriend) and at the end of the week we returned to our relationship fully refreashed. The second time it happened things were different. For one, I didn't notice as by that time the Black Dog had bitten me hard and still had his teeth in. Sean noticed, though, but felt he couldn't say anything because he didn't want to hurt me. So he got through it on his own.
This time, we both know.
And the feeling isn't nice. It feels like we're just good friends. Infact, "just like two people" is the way that I put it when Sean was trying to voice his feelings. The talk we had lasted a long time, we walked round the block (a very large block) three times at a snail's pace, and then we carried it on in our bedroom. Quite a lot of tears were shed. We tried to resolve it all, and the only thing we could both see was to break up. Which scared the shit out of me.
I got to the conclusion last night that I cared for Sean deeply, I want to please him and make him happy and make sure he eats right and doesn't always feel ill... But that I wasn't sure that I loved him any more.
I was about to phone Sally, and talk to her as a person who knows us both who could give more impartial advice than Sean could. Sean was just about to leave to go round a friend's house to talk, and he kissed me... he went to kiss my forehead and I lent so that he missed my forehead completely and went for my lips. Just as he was going I said "I love you" ... And then it was all suddenly okay.
It was a massive revalation.
It was like there was someone saying, "Hang on a moment! You DO love him! Now go and finish dinner."
So that's what I did. I didn't phone Sally, Sean didn't go out. We went and made dinner together and then we went and ate it infront of the tele like normal.
Tonight, I have drunk quite a bit, and we had dinner really early so we watched a hell of a lot of tele. And there I was, lying on his shoulder, arms draped over his chest, his arms around me and pulling me close. Totally content. Nothing could have made it better. Even though I don't feel in love with Sean at the moment, I couldn't be happier. I love him. I really, really do.
And I need to hire a man with a bat to hit me over the head incase I think I don't love him any more.
Over the last couple of days, Sean and I have been talking. Infact, it was mostly him that did the talking, I was just listening mostly and adding what I could when I thought I could deal with it. There was a day a few weeks ago when I told Sean that he's to stop treating me as if I'm too fragile to handle any thing remotely upsetting. So since then he's been opening up to me.
Last night, Sean and I started talking over making dinner about a very difficult subject. I guess it really started a couple of weeks ago, when Sean said he felt that he wasn't in love with me any more. The subject, for whatever reason, came up yesterday and in the end we had to go on a walk to stop having to worry about our house-mates.
It's something we've tackled before. The chemical high of being in love only lasts up to 18 months. We've been together for six and a half years. The first time it happened - and we were aware of it and didn't like it - we were younger and living further apart. We decided to have a break for a week. In that time, not much happened. It was in time for me to go to a friend's party and declare that I "needed a man", but nothing really happened (Besides kissing a good friend's boyfriend) and at the end of the week we returned to our relationship fully refreashed. The second time it happened things were different. For one, I didn't notice as by that time the Black Dog had bitten me hard and still had his teeth in. Sean noticed, though, but felt he couldn't say anything because he didn't want to hurt me. So he got through it on his own.
This time, we both know.
And the feeling isn't nice. It feels like we're just good friends. Infact, "just like two people" is the way that I put it when Sean was trying to voice his feelings. The talk we had lasted a long time, we walked round the block (a very large block) three times at a snail's pace, and then we carried it on in our bedroom. Quite a lot of tears were shed. We tried to resolve it all, and the only thing we could both see was to break up. Which scared the shit out of me.
I got to the conclusion last night that I cared for Sean deeply, I want to please him and make him happy and make sure he eats right and doesn't always feel ill... But that I wasn't sure that I loved him any more.
I was about to phone Sally, and talk to her as a person who knows us both who could give more impartial advice than Sean could. Sean was just about to leave to go round a friend's house to talk, and he kissed me... he went to kiss my forehead and I lent so that he missed my forehead completely and went for my lips. Just as he was going I said "I love you" ... And then it was all suddenly okay.
It was a massive revalation.
It was like there was someone saying, "Hang on a moment! You DO love him! Now go and finish dinner."
So that's what I did. I didn't phone Sally, Sean didn't go out. We went and made dinner together and then we went and ate it infront of the tele like normal.
Tonight, I have drunk quite a bit, and we had dinner really early so we watched a hell of a lot of tele. And there I was, lying on his shoulder, arms draped over his chest, his arms around me and pulling me close. Totally content. Nothing could have made it better. Even though I don't feel in love with Sean at the moment, I couldn't be happier. I love him. I really, really do.
And I need to hire a man with a bat to hit me over the head incase I think I don't love him any more.
posted by Mel at 8:47 pm
2 Comments:
Perfect world: we could experience the freshness and excitement of new relationships while having the old ones to come home to and keep us steady and content. Polyamorists claim this is possible, and if it really works for anyone, more power to them. But it won't for most people. In the end, most of us are truly happier with the steady thing and will probbaly always mourn the loss of the new. If we're lucky, we'll recapture that new feeling every now and then. Best to you both.
We've been married for thirty two yrs. And no, I didn't feel 'in love' with my husband every day of that time. But looking back, would i marry him again? Yes. And now do I look around at other men my age? Yes. But he still looks the best to me, I want to reach out and touch him everytime I look at him. With all his faults, he is my safe place. He always wants me.
If we had been living together, and had not had children, there were a few times when I would have left him. Three times in 32 yrs.
Once you have children your threshold for anger rises as you want those children to have a mom and a dad who love each other.
The cliche is, 'love is not a feeling, but a choice.' And it's true. Feeling 'in love' will go and come. Choosing to commit to someone you love, stays.
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