Patterns...

There are patterns to my depression that I've only recently noticed.

First of all there's usually a big increase in stress that causes me trouble. It could be caused by anything (like extra work, feeling lazy all the time and so getting angry with myself, being perfectionist with anything I do and thus never finishing anything...)

Then, as the stress increases, my drive to sort it all out decreases. So if there's extra work to do, for example, it won't get done until the last minute. It's normally around this time that I stop doing things that will decrease my stress - such as going to the gym and eating properly - and doing things that will ultimately increase it - such as spending whole days playing computer games.

Then, as my laziness gets the better of me, I turn up late to lectures with no prior knowledge of what we're going to cover, I turn up to labs with no preparation, I cook dinner really late (and only because I cook for Sean too, I can tell from experience that I wouldn't even be eating if I only cooked for myself), and I'll start to lose interest in sex. And then I notice my moods changing.

I'll completely ignore all the little nice things Sean does for me (like giving me a hug in the morning before I go to uni) and start to make a big deal out of all the small nasty things everyone does (especially the things my house mate does that rub me the wrong way). Suddenly I'll get upset over the smallest things (like losing my keys for five seconds) and I'll easily cry at things like sad moments in TV shows - something I never used to do. I'd easily react to anything directed my way that could in any way be interpreted as a criticism. It's around this point that I usually decide that vast amounts of alcohol are good for me (although, I usually don't get my hands on it).

Suddenly, when I least expect it, one little comment (admittedly, usually from Sean) will start me crying, really really crying, and everything that's been annoying me for the last month or so, and longer (such as my apparent loathing of my looks) will surface to my mind.

Then, as much as I hate it and as much as it's probably good for me, Sean treats me with extra care over the next few days and within a week I'm happy again.

This pattern, I think, has been going on and on for a few years. Sometimes some stages are longer - the losing interest in sex, being late for everything and just generally loathing myself stage lasted for most of one of my years at college - sometimes some stages last for half a day, but I can definitely see it. It just repeats all the time, and the happiness stage doesn't usually last that long. A month perhaps, if I'm lucky.

I'm currently in the doing everything at the last minute and playing on computer games stage. I don't want to get any further. I need to change so that I'm happy over Christmas.

I think I'll go to the gym to work out of it.

Tomorrow.