13/10/06 - The end of the week

So. It's the end of the first week at uni. I've achieved quite a lot - I've signed up 
to three socities and I think I'll at least properly join two of them. I've gotten 
back in contact with a good friend of mine. I've managed to already organise 
my homework scedule and, most importantly I think, I've come to a conclusion 
about what I'm going to do with my future. And both Sean and my parents 
approve. Infact, my parents were a lot more approving than I thought they 
were going to be. Oh, let's not forget that Sean and I have been talking a lot 
about our future.

A couple of nights ago I couldn't sleep and when I asked Sean if he was still awake, he said he was nearly asleep. So I decided to not talk about our talk a week ago. But he pressed me to voice what was on my mind. So I did. To begin 
with, it felt as if I was going to break down in tears again. But I didn't. In fact, 
it turned out to be a deep conversation about our relationship, with none of the
hurting like before. It felt good to talk to him. In the end I voiced something that
had been bugging me for a while, "And the D/s?" I asked. I wanted to know if it was something he seriously considered to be 
part of our relationship, if it really was something he saw as taking place outside 
the bedroom. He said that he felt that it'll help our relationship, at least in the 
next few years while I'm still at Uni. He said it was something that'll keep me 
disciplined, and I agree fully. In fact, it's something I've been thinking about 
more since we answered the Weekender Question on S&M Blog a while back, 
of "How far do you want to take the master/sub thing?" Sean answered that he wanted:

"a very obedient, happy and loving slave. I want Mel to do her chores and clean up behind herself without me having to tell her to. I want her to become a tidier, more organised person, more for her sake than mine. I want her to be open and honest, and not afraid to share her mind, no matter how dark her thoughts. I want her to ask for my guidance when she needs it, and to really listen to the advice I give. I want a much larger list of rules that we have both agreed upon. I want to know that any concerns that either of us have can be openly expressed and discussed, and be solved between us." 

This whole statement is something I want to strive for. It's what I want out of 
our D/s too. And this was confirmed when we talked. 

So there are many things that are currently right with our relationship. There
are niggles. And they're not going to go away unless I learn to tell Sean about them rather than letting them build up. One of the niggles was about the washing up, the fact that he 
lets it build up over 24 hours and then does most of it. But that's been resolved, 
even if it did take an argument to resolve it, due to my not mentioning it until it 
really bugged me. But it's done. And I need to learn to tell him of my niggles 
before they build up again.

07/10/06 - Awesome head

Got up I think around 10:30 after reading for a bit with Sean. Today's been a bit of a blur, it's gone by real fast. Im still in my PJs from this morning!

Spent the day having my hair braided by Sean. It looks so cool now! There's just four braids left to be finished. It is coooo-ool!

Sean spent the day preparing me for giving him a "Boob job" by telling me that I will thank him by giving him a surprise, and then by going on to tell me what that surprise was. So I did. I went and wrote on S&M Blog about it first, and suggested to Sean that he should read it. It was great. He directed me downstairs to wash him, then back upstairs. When I looked at him and smiled, he asked me what I wanted. So I told him, just in the way he told me to; "I want you to fuck my boobies!"

You can read the rest here, in a post Sean wrote afterwards.

So today's been a good day. Just one hiccough - when I got a little annoyed by Sean not tidying up a mess (which, admittedly, I made most of) when I had asked him to quite a few times when I was making lunch. Sometimes I do think he takes me cooking for him for granted... but then I enjoy it (cooking, that is. Not being taken for granted) and if I didn't then he wouldn't be eating that well.

And I am ment to be his slave, afterall. Which reminds me, I must start looking into other people's rules, like I said I would.

Tomorrow:

• Answer the Weekender question (yikes! I think I'll tackle it over a few hours)
• Go 'round D's for breakfast, after prodding Sean to have a shower
• Tidy up mess so that it at least looks presentable. This includes:
• Boxes at bottom of stairs
• Laundry
• Move boxes in bedroom
• Tidy up lounge table
  
• Work out menu
• Shopping - both getting short term supplies and the fortnight delivery
• Prepare for Monday - first day at Uni. (Cook lunch the night before?)
• Film on at cinema

Gosh, now that's a huge list.

06/10/06 - Opening up

I'm afraid that if I write about what I want to write about then I'll break down into tears. I'm going to do it anyway.

Over the last couple of days, Sean and I have been talking. Infact, it was mostly him that did the talking, I was just listening mostly and adding what I could when I thought I could deal with it. There was a day a few weeks ago when I told Sean that he's to stop treating me as if I'm too fragile to handle any thing remotely upsetting. So since then he's been opening up to me.

Last night, Sean and I started talking over making dinner about a very difficult subject. I guess it really started a couple of weeks ago, when Sean said he felt that he wasn't in love with me any more. The subject, for whatever reason, came up yesterday and in the end we had to go on a walk to stop having to worry about our house-mates.

It's something we've tackled before. The chemical high of being in love only lasts up to 18 months. We've been together for six and a half years. The first time it happened - and we were aware of it and didn't like it - we were younger and living further apart. We decided to have a break for a week. In that time, not much happened. It was in time for me to go to a friend's party and declare that I "needed a man", but nothing really happened (Besides kissing a good friend's boyfriend) and at the end of the week we returned to our relationship fully refreashed. The second time it happened things were different. For one, I didn't notice as by that time the Black Dog had bitten me hard and still had his teeth in. Sean noticed, though, but felt he couldn't say anything because he didn't want to hurt me. So he got through it on his own.

This time, we both know.

And the feeling isn't nice. It feels like we're just good friends. Infact, "just like two people" is the way that I put it when Sean was trying to voice his feelings. The talk we had lasted a long time, we walked round the block (a very large block) three times at a snail's pace, and then we carried it on in our bedroom. Quite a lot of tears were shed. We tried to resolve it all, and the only thing we could both see was to break up. Which scared the shit out of me.

I got to the conclusion last night that I cared for Sean deeply, I want to please him and make him happy and make sure he eats right and doesn't always feel ill... But that I wasn't sure that I loved him any more.

I was about to phone Sally, and talk to her as a person who knows us both who could give more impartial advice than Sean could. Sean was just about to leave to go round a friend's house to talk, and he kissed me... he went to kiss my forehead and I lent so that he missed my forehead completely and went for my lips. Just as he was going I said "I love you" ... And then it was all suddenly okay.

It was a massive revalation.

It was like there was someone saying, "Hang on a moment! You DO love him! Now go and finish dinner."

So that's what I did. I didn't phone Sally, Sean didn't go out. We went and made dinner together and then we went and ate it infront of the tele like normal.

Tonight, I have drunk quite a bit, and we had dinner really early so we watched a hell of a lot of tele. And there I was, lying on his shoulder, arms draped over his chest, his arms around me and pulling me close. Totally content. Nothing could have made it better. Even though I don't feel in love with Sean at the moment, I couldn't be happier. I love him. I really, really do.

And I need to hire a man with a bat to hit me over the head incase I think I don't love him any more.

03/10/06 - Bad Girl II

Once again I've been a bad girl. I need to learn to leave time at the end of the evening to write my diary. I guess it was a bit easier when I was writing it in a book, but now it's on the PC it's a bit harder.

Today I woke at around half 9 and by ten (would you believe it!) we were up. I was a bit disappointed because Sean had agreed to having some fun this morning, but we never did. I said at the time though that I didn't mind if we just got up, and truthfully I didn't really. I was just a little disappointed because I knew that by tonight I'd be on (I've had stomach cramps for the last three days, getting more and more painful, so I knew)

We jumped out of bed at ten, did our morning routines on the PCs and then by half ten I was in the shower, washing my hair to have it braided. After that, it was already time for lunch! and then Sean did two layers on my hair. It looks great so far, and took a long time as he's doing it so carefully. And then it was already time to make dinner! I've started on a higher fibre diet today, to try to combat Sean's IBS. I've been taking advice to increase our daily fibre intake by 5g (taking it up to a mere 13g) for a month to see how things go. After that, I need to increase by another 5g for a further month and if no improvement then another 5g. I need to be careful then to not take it over 28g as that's far too much.

Anyway.

After dinner it was straight to the Uni Cinema to see The Da Vinci Code. Brill film, and mostly true to the book too. I say bravo to the screen writers. And now it's nearly 11 and time for bed.

There was only one bad time today (first in a while) in which I constantly talked over Sean. I don't remember why, though ever since the other day I have become aware of it being when I think he's got the wrong idea about whatever it is I'm trying to say. Then he persists on trying to explain his POV and I get frustrated and it turns nasty. I earned two extra spanks today, on top of earning 7 yesterday due to being home late from the shops. I have a feeling that they're going to build up as I've been agitated all during my PMS and it's not going to let up for a few days (Because I happen to be one of the unfortunate women who have 5 day long PMS and 7+ day long periods. Grr)

Anyway, I think that's it.