Patterns...

There are patterns to my depression that I've only recently noticed.

First of all there's usually a big increase in stress that causes me trouble. It could be caused by anything (like extra work, feeling lazy all the time and so getting angry with myself, being perfectionist with anything I do and thus never finishing anything...)

Then, as the stress increases, my drive to sort it all out decreases. So if there's extra work to do, for example, it won't get done until the last minute. It's normally around this time that I stop doing things that will decrease my stress - such as going to the gym and eating properly - and doing things that will ultimately increase it - such as spending whole days playing computer games.

Then, as my laziness gets the better of me, I turn up late to lectures with no prior knowledge of what we're going to cover, I turn up to labs with no preparation, I cook dinner really late (and only because I cook for Sean too, I can tell from experience that I wouldn't even be eating if I only cooked for myself), and I'll start to lose interest in sex. And then I notice my moods changing.

I'll completely ignore all the little nice things Sean does for me (like giving me a hug in the morning before I go to uni) and start to make a big deal out of all the small nasty things everyone does (especially the things my house mate does that rub me the wrong way). Suddenly I'll get upset over the smallest things (like losing my keys for five seconds) and I'll easily cry at things like sad moments in TV shows - something I never used to do. I'd easily react to anything directed my way that could in any way be interpreted as a criticism. It's around this point that I usually decide that vast amounts of alcohol are good for me (although, I usually don't get my hands on it).

Suddenly, when I least expect it, one little comment (admittedly, usually from Sean) will start me crying, really really crying, and everything that's been annoying me for the last month or so, and longer (such as my apparent loathing of my looks) will surface to my mind.

Then, as much as I hate it and as much as it's probably good for me, Sean treats me with extra care over the next few days and within a week I'm happy again.

This pattern, I think, has been going on and on for a few years. Sometimes some stages are longer - the losing interest in sex, being late for everything and just generally loathing myself stage lasted for most of one of my years at college - sometimes some stages last for half a day, but I can definitely see it. It just repeats all the time, and the happiness stage doesn't usually last that long. A month perhaps, if I'm lucky.

I'm currently in the doing everything at the last minute and playing on computer games stage. I don't want to get any further. I need to change so that I'm happy over Christmas.

I think I'll go to the gym to work out of it.

Tomorrow.

13/10/06 - The end of the week

So. It's the end of the first week at uni. I've achieved quite a lot - I've signed up 
to three socities and I think I'll at least properly join two of them. I've gotten 
back in contact with a good friend of mine. I've managed to already organise 
my homework scedule and, most importantly I think, I've come to a conclusion 
about what I'm going to do with my future. And both Sean and my parents 
approve. Infact, my parents were a lot more approving than I thought they 
were going to be. Oh, let's not forget that Sean and I have been talking a lot 
about our future.

A couple of nights ago I couldn't sleep and when I asked Sean if he was still awake, he said he was nearly asleep. So I decided to not talk about our talk a week ago. But he pressed me to voice what was on my mind. So I did. To begin 
with, it felt as if I was going to break down in tears again. But I didn't. In fact, 
it turned out to be a deep conversation about our relationship, with none of the
hurting like before. It felt good to talk to him. In the end I voiced something that
had been bugging me for a while, "And the D/s?" I asked. I wanted to know if it was something he seriously considered to be 
part of our relationship, if it really was something he saw as taking place outside 
the bedroom. He said that he felt that it'll help our relationship, at least in the 
next few years while I'm still at Uni. He said it was something that'll keep me 
disciplined, and I agree fully. In fact, it's something I've been thinking about 
more since we answered the Weekender Question on S&M Blog a while back, 
of "How far do you want to take the master/sub thing?" Sean answered that he wanted:

"a very obedient, happy and loving slave. I want Mel to do her chores and clean up behind herself without me having to tell her to. I want her to become a tidier, more organised person, more for her sake than mine. I want her to be open and honest, and not afraid to share her mind, no matter how dark her thoughts. I want her to ask for my guidance when she needs it, and to really listen to the advice I give. I want a much larger list of rules that we have both agreed upon. I want to know that any concerns that either of us have can be openly expressed and discussed, and be solved between us." 

This whole statement is something I want to strive for. It's what I want out of 
our D/s too. And this was confirmed when we talked. 

So there are many things that are currently right with our relationship. There
are niggles. And they're not going to go away unless I learn to tell Sean about them rather than letting them build up. One of the niggles was about the washing up, the fact that he 
lets it build up over 24 hours and then does most of it. But that's been resolved, 
even if it did take an argument to resolve it, due to my not mentioning it until it 
really bugged me. But it's done. And I need to learn to tell him of my niggles 
before they build up again.

07/10/06 - Awesome head

Got up I think around 10:30 after reading for a bit with Sean. Today's been a bit of a blur, it's gone by real fast. Im still in my PJs from this morning!

Spent the day having my hair braided by Sean. It looks so cool now! There's just four braids left to be finished. It is coooo-ool!

Sean spent the day preparing me for giving him a "Boob job" by telling me that I will thank him by giving him a surprise, and then by going on to tell me what that surprise was. So I did. I went and wrote on S&M Blog about it first, and suggested to Sean that he should read it. It was great. He directed me downstairs to wash him, then back upstairs. When I looked at him and smiled, he asked me what I wanted. So I told him, just in the way he told me to; "I want you to fuck my boobies!"

You can read the rest here, in a post Sean wrote afterwards.

So today's been a good day. Just one hiccough - when I got a little annoyed by Sean not tidying up a mess (which, admittedly, I made most of) when I had asked him to quite a few times when I was making lunch. Sometimes I do think he takes me cooking for him for granted... but then I enjoy it (cooking, that is. Not being taken for granted) and if I didn't then he wouldn't be eating that well.

And I am ment to be his slave, afterall. Which reminds me, I must start looking into other people's rules, like I said I would.

Tomorrow:

• Answer the Weekender question (yikes! I think I'll tackle it over a few hours)
• Go 'round D's for breakfast, after prodding Sean to have a shower
• Tidy up mess so that it at least looks presentable. This includes:
• Boxes at bottom of stairs
• Laundry
• Move boxes in bedroom
• Tidy up lounge table
  
• Work out menu
• Shopping - both getting short term supplies and the fortnight delivery
• Prepare for Monday - first day at Uni. (Cook lunch the night before?)
• Film on at cinema

Gosh, now that's a huge list.

06/10/06 - Opening up

I'm afraid that if I write about what I want to write about then I'll break down into tears. I'm going to do it anyway.

Over the last couple of days, Sean and I have been talking. Infact, it was mostly him that did the talking, I was just listening mostly and adding what I could when I thought I could deal with it. There was a day a few weeks ago when I told Sean that he's to stop treating me as if I'm too fragile to handle any thing remotely upsetting. So since then he's been opening up to me.

Last night, Sean and I started talking over making dinner about a very difficult subject. I guess it really started a couple of weeks ago, when Sean said he felt that he wasn't in love with me any more. The subject, for whatever reason, came up yesterday and in the end we had to go on a walk to stop having to worry about our house-mates.

It's something we've tackled before. The chemical high of being in love only lasts up to 18 months. We've been together for six and a half years. The first time it happened - and we were aware of it and didn't like it - we were younger and living further apart. We decided to have a break for a week. In that time, not much happened. It was in time for me to go to a friend's party and declare that I "needed a man", but nothing really happened (Besides kissing a good friend's boyfriend) and at the end of the week we returned to our relationship fully refreashed. The second time it happened things were different. For one, I didn't notice as by that time the Black Dog had bitten me hard and still had his teeth in. Sean noticed, though, but felt he couldn't say anything because he didn't want to hurt me. So he got through it on his own.

This time, we both know.

And the feeling isn't nice. It feels like we're just good friends. Infact, "just like two people" is the way that I put it when Sean was trying to voice his feelings. The talk we had lasted a long time, we walked round the block (a very large block) three times at a snail's pace, and then we carried it on in our bedroom. Quite a lot of tears were shed. We tried to resolve it all, and the only thing we could both see was to break up. Which scared the shit out of me.

I got to the conclusion last night that I cared for Sean deeply, I want to please him and make him happy and make sure he eats right and doesn't always feel ill... But that I wasn't sure that I loved him any more.

I was about to phone Sally, and talk to her as a person who knows us both who could give more impartial advice than Sean could. Sean was just about to leave to go round a friend's house to talk, and he kissed me... he went to kiss my forehead and I lent so that he missed my forehead completely and went for my lips. Just as he was going I said "I love you" ... And then it was all suddenly okay.

It was a massive revalation.

It was like there was someone saying, "Hang on a moment! You DO love him! Now go and finish dinner."

So that's what I did. I didn't phone Sally, Sean didn't go out. We went and made dinner together and then we went and ate it infront of the tele like normal.

Tonight, I have drunk quite a bit, and we had dinner really early so we watched a hell of a lot of tele. And there I was, lying on his shoulder, arms draped over his chest, his arms around me and pulling me close. Totally content. Nothing could have made it better. Even though I don't feel in love with Sean at the moment, I couldn't be happier. I love him. I really, really do.

And I need to hire a man with a bat to hit me over the head incase I think I don't love him any more.

03/10/06 - Bad Girl II

Once again I've been a bad girl. I need to learn to leave time at the end of the evening to write my diary. I guess it was a bit easier when I was writing it in a book, but now it's on the PC it's a bit harder.

Today I woke at around half 9 and by ten (would you believe it!) we were up. I was a bit disappointed because Sean had agreed to having some fun this morning, but we never did. I said at the time though that I didn't mind if we just got up, and truthfully I didn't really. I was just a little disappointed because I knew that by tonight I'd be on (I've had stomach cramps for the last three days, getting more and more painful, so I knew)

We jumped out of bed at ten, did our morning routines on the PCs and then by half ten I was in the shower, washing my hair to have it braided. After that, it was already time for lunch! and then Sean did two layers on my hair. It looks great so far, and took a long time as he's doing it so carefully. And then it was already time to make dinner! I've started on a higher fibre diet today, to try to combat Sean's IBS. I've been taking advice to increase our daily fibre intake by 5g (taking it up to a mere 13g) for a month to see how things go. After that, I need to increase by another 5g for a further month and if no improvement then another 5g. I need to be careful then to not take it over 28g as that's far too much.

Anyway.

After dinner it was straight to the Uni Cinema to see The Da Vinci Code. Brill film, and mostly true to the book too. I say bravo to the screen writers. And now it's nearly 11 and time for bed.

There was only one bad time today (first in a while) in which I constantly talked over Sean. I don't remember why, though ever since the other day I have become aware of it being when I think he's got the wrong idea about whatever it is I'm trying to say. Then he persists on trying to explain his POV and I get frustrated and it turns nasty. I earned two extra spanks today, on top of earning 7 yesterday due to being home late from the shops. I have a feeling that they're going to build up as I've been agitated all during my PMS and it's not going to let up for a few days (Because I happen to be one of the unfortunate women who have 5 day long PMS and 7+ day long periods. Grr)

Anyway, I think that's it.

29/09/06 - Bad Girl

First. I've been bad. I haven't written here for the last two days. I don't think I can really update about what happened the last few days though 'cos I can't remember. I don't think there were any bad points, any way.

Today, got up at around half 10 after waking at 9 and reading to Sean for a while. It's at the stage in that book too where I just want to find out what happens and finish it - though because it's The Science of Discworld (III) we have to take it slowly because of the science chapters. They get rather heavy and it takes time for it all to sink in. Spent time on the PC before making lunch. I got a bit frustrated with Sean as he was typing up his Uni timetable - I wanted it printed so I could try and start to plan our new weekly menu around the times we'd both be working. He was faffing with it and eventually I went and made lunch anyway without finishing what I had set out to do. All I wanted to know was if it was possible to have four smaller meals a day instead of three larger ones. I hate to have something on my mind that needs dealing with and not being able to deal with it. Any way, I made lunch and it was okay. Afterwards, I think I carried on trying to sort stuff out for Sean's diet - we're going to change it for the better once I do get to work on it for a while (at the weekend, methinks) but in the end I got worked up about something. It's funny, I don't remember it now. I did keep on talking over Sean, which he hates, and in the end I removed myself before I cried. I hate crying for no reason, and I didn't want to as crying would have made it worse. Sean's been stressed, or at least he's had something pent up inside, as he's quick to anger and I think had I stayed around I would've broken down as he shouts without thinking and without meaning to. His shouting upsets me because it's so unusual. When he shouts I know I've been bad.

So I went downstairs and played on the PlayStation. It was good to let out some steam. Sean joined be a while later and my angry-ness and his angry-ness just disapeared. He went and did some more work and I spent even more time infornt of the game machine. About half and hour later, Sean joined me again and he took over and I got into dreading his hair for him. I finished it today, and it looks good! It was good to have something fiddly to keep my mind occupied and after that it was time for tea (around half 7) and then TV and now it's half 10. I don't know where the time goes. I can't wait to go back to uni.

Some rules we kinda discussed last night and today. He hates me talking over him and interupting. I really need to stop doing it. Also, we both agree that my shaven pussy is the way it should be. So I need to shave it once a week. Another one we discussed a week or so ago is that I might sleep on the floor once a week. It's something I quite enjoyed at my birthday and it's something he needs so he can sleep well.

Should I mention that perhaps the reason I haven't written is because we've had sex three times in two days? Oh. I did. *grin*

Tomorrow

• Really need to do that oven
• Watch my mouth and see how hard it is to not talk over Sean
• Put laundry away - it's been out drying in our living room for two days!
• Pack bag for Sean for the weekend

26/09/06 - turning the tabels

Woke at around 10 and stayed in bed till 11 reading Mr. Herbert. It's getting rather interesting, if disturbing. Greeted Sean's mum on the doorstep in my dressing gown at 11. Second time in two days I've greeted a relative in the morning in barely any clothing. It's somewhat embarrasing! After that, I went on the computer for hardly any time at all (just while I ate breakfast) and then I set about cleaning downstairs. I was in a cleaning mood I think. I swept the floors, mopped what needed mopping and hoovered what needed hovering. I put on a load of washing and took in yesterdays. Some of this I did while Sean was out, and I'm only sorry that I didn't do the washing up while he was out (I was mopping when he came back), 'cos then I think he would've been really proud of me.

That's when the day took a bit of a turn. It was half one when I was finished and I decided I needed a break. I think it was well deserved, though I spent took much time on it. You see, my fingers had been itching to start having a look at all the merchandise that my grandparents brought round yesterday. So I did. And that's all I did until half four, when both our stomachs starting growling. I grudenly left the merchandise and went a made lunch (more left overs form the weekend) and then suddenly it was six. I spent more time on the merchandise and then we went for a walk to my campus to get some fresh air and see how long it took (about 20 minutes) then suddenly it was half 8 and I started dinner.

Sean has been saying for a few days that he doesn't feel good (his guts give him trouble) and said he was going to go for another walk. But that changed as he came and sat on my lap and just started crying. I tried best as I could to comfort him and see what was wrong. I think it was his guts to begin with, but once he started he couldn't stop. I know this well, it's what happens to me too. He went to think outloud about our relationship and as he was sobbing loudly as he spoke, that's when the tears came to my eyes. A part of him says it's all okay and he feels comforted by me and he loves me. Another part says that we're just two people, just friends, not really partners any more. The phrase "just two people" was one that I came up with, as I felt the same way, and I'm afraid that now I've vocalised it, put it into words, it's easier for him to think that way (as he felt like it too). I hope not, but time will tell. It's very strange for me to see Sean that way, as he's the one who supports me. I hope we can get through it - that is both of our black dogs, together.

That's it for tonight. I don't think Sean was damaged by his outburst earlier, as he's currently humping my bottom.

Things tomorrow:

• More washing
• Start to unpack clothes from boxes