29/09/06 - Bad Girl

First. I've been bad. I haven't written here for the last two days. I don't think I can really update about what happened the last few days though 'cos I can't remember. I don't think there were any bad points, any way.

Today, got up at around half 10 after waking at 9 and reading to Sean for a while. It's at the stage in that book too where I just want to find out what happens and finish it - though because it's The Science of Discworld (III) we have to take it slowly because of the science chapters. They get rather heavy and it takes time for it all to sink in. Spent time on the PC before making lunch. I got a bit frustrated with Sean as he was typing up his Uni timetable - I wanted it printed so I could try and start to plan our new weekly menu around the times we'd both be working. He was faffing with it and eventually I went and made lunch anyway without finishing what I had set out to do. All I wanted to know was if it was possible to have four smaller meals a day instead of three larger ones. I hate to have something on my mind that needs dealing with and not being able to deal with it. Any way, I made lunch and it was okay. Afterwards, I think I carried on trying to sort stuff out for Sean's diet - we're going to change it for the better once I do get to work on it for a while (at the weekend, methinks) but in the end I got worked up about something. It's funny, I don't remember it now. I did keep on talking over Sean, which he hates, and in the end I removed myself before I cried. I hate crying for no reason, and I didn't want to as crying would have made it worse. Sean's been stressed, or at least he's had something pent up inside, as he's quick to anger and I think had I stayed around I would've broken down as he shouts without thinking and without meaning to. His shouting upsets me because it's so unusual. When he shouts I know I've been bad.

So I went downstairs and played on the PlayStation. It was good to let out some steam. Sean joined be a while later and my angry-ness and his angry-ness just disapeared. He went and did some more work and I spent even more time infornt of the game machine. About half and hour later, Sean joined me again and he took over and I got into dreading his hair for him. I finished it today, and it looks good! It was good to have something fiddly to keep my mind occupied and after that it was time for tea (around half 7) and then TV and now it's half 10. I don't know where the time goes. I can't wait to go back to uni.

Some rules we kinda discussed last night and today. He hates me talking over him and interupting. I really need to stop doing it. Also, we both agree that my shaven pussy is the way it should be. So I need to shave it once a week. Another one we discussed a week or so ago is that I might sleep on the floor once a week. It's something I quite enjoyed at my birthday and it's something he needs so he can sleep well.

Should I mention that perhaps the reason I haven't written is because we've had sex three times in two days? Oh. I did. *grin*

Tomorrow

• Really need to do that oven
• Watch my mouth and see how hard it is to not talk over Sean
• Put laundry away - it's been out drying in our living room for two days!
• Pack bag for Sean for the weekend

26/09/06 - turning the tabels

Woke at around 10 and stayed in bed till 11 reading Mr. Herbert. It's getting rather interesting, if disturbing. Greeted Sean's mum on the doorstep in my dressing gown at 11. Second time in two days I've greeted a relative in the morning in barely any clothing. It's somewhat embarrasing! After that, I went on the computer for hardly any time at all (just while I ate breakfast) and then I set about cleaning downstairs. I was in a cleaning mood I think. I swept the floors, mopped what needed mopping and hoovered what needed hovering. I put on a load of washing and took in yesterdays. Some of this I did while Sean was out, and I'm only sorry that I didn't do the washing up while he was out (I was mopping when he came back), 'cos then I think he would've been really proud of me.

That's when the day took a bit of a turn. It was half one when I was finished and I decided I needed a break. I think it was well deserved, though I spent took much time on it. You see, my fingers had been itching to start having a look at all the merchandise that my grandparents brought round yesterday. So I did. And that's all I did until half four, when both our stomachs starting growling. I grudenly left the merchandise and went a made lunch (more left overs form the weekend) and then suddenly it was six. I spent more time on the merchandise and then we went for a walk to my campus to get some fresh air and see how long it took (about 20 minutes) then suddenly it was half 8 and I started dinner.

Sean has been saying for a few days that he doesn't feel good (his guts give him trouble) and said he was going to go for another walk. But that changed as he came and sat on my lap and just started crying. I tried best as I could to comfort him and see what was wrong. I think it was his guts to begin with, but once he started he couldn't stop. I know this well, it's what happens to me too. He went to think outloud about our relationship and as he was sobbing loudly as he spoke, that's when the tears came to my eyes. A part of him says it's all okay and he feels comforted by me and he loves me. Another part says that we're just two people, just friends, not really partners any more. The phrase "just two people" was one that I came up with, as I felt the same way, and I'm afraid that now I've vocalised it, put it into words, it's easier for him to think that way (as he felt like it too). I hope not, but time will tell. It's very strange for me to see Sean that way, as he's the one who supports me. I hope we can get through it - that is both of our black dogs, together.

That's it for tonight. I don't think Sean was damaged by his outburst earlier, as he's currently humping my bottom.

Things tomorrow:

• More washing
• Start to unpack clothes from boxes

25/09/06 - aftermath

I woke at 7:20am today to try to see Sally and Mark out, they had a very early travel arrangement. I was awake, and was actually able to hold a coherrent conversation. I was very impressed.

I had planned on staying awake but I was tempted back to bed to carry on reading my latest James Herbert thriller. And within an hour I was back asleep. Sean informs me that I was even snoring loudly!

I woke with a start at what I thought was 10am to the doorbell. It was my grandparents, they'd come round as previously arranged, to drop off some merchandise for us to sell on E-Bay. I had completely forgotten that they had come, and learned from my Gran that it was actually 11am and I had told them that I'd be up by then. I was very embarassed by the state of the house from the party the night before, but they didn't mind and even grabbed a bin-liner to tidy up the rubbish while I went and got dressed. We went through the merchandise and I liked what I saw. They left around 12:30 and then I set to work making a lunch out of left over salad from yesterday.

Sean insisted that we spend a while tidying at least the downstairs after lunch. A part of me just wanted to catalogue all the merchandise, I get all excited by the thought of organising things and doing paperwork. I don't know why. Apparently Virgos are supposed to be tidy perfectionists. While I can't say I'm generally a tidy person, I do have a love of organisation. I just need to apply that love to the general upkeep of the house too...

Anyway, I resisted the temptation, and the downstairs did get a good clean. So did the office. I even did some laundry. By then it was already quarter to 7 in the evening, and I had just enough time to set myself up an area in the office to start cataloging tomorrow. There's a part of me that actually can't wait to do it! Madness, I tell you.

I cooked dinner from half seven to half 8 and we sat down to watch Invasion while eating. That's a long TV program, so it took up all the time until half 9. Sean wanted to be in bed for 10 (It's just gone past) but we want to answer The Weekender question first.

Tommorrow:

• Another load of washing would be nice
• So would be hovering. (By nice, I mean nice for the household, not for me)
• Then I can start sorting through the merchandise. Yey!
• Continue the birthday story on S&M Blog

The week:

• Other posts to write and save in drafts (publish when needed):
  
• The long, loving sex after the scene.
  
• The spank me lots sex after the love making sex.
  
• The developments in my fantasy about J
• Really do need to look up how I'm supposed to be writing this diary
  

24/09/06 - BBQ

Sally and Mark's bus got to town at 10am, so I was up by half 9. Well, I was going to be, but I ended up staying in bed till half 10 when they phoned to say that the shops they wanted to go in first didn't open till 11. It was good to read in the morning, even though Sean stayed asleep. Spent the morning tidying up - was actually getting into it in the end. Also did lots of cooking, I'm finding that I quite like it. Salads, cold foods, it was great. More guests arrived from three and then the guys started the BBQ. It was a really enjoyable day - not the typical student party; for one we hardly drank and for two it was really chilled out and we all enjoyed each other's company. I met some friends I hadn't seen in ages. The only slightly sour bit was when two friends cornered me in the kitchen and asked when Sean and I are going to be married. I sort of shurgged it off and left it at "Before we're thirty, but after I graduate." I didn't want to really think about it as Sean tells me whenever we bring it up that he's not ready for it and some phrases he says upset me a little. He doesn't say horrid things, but it just upsets me. Probably just because he doesn't sugar-coat our conversations. Which is a good thing.

Yes, all round, it was a good day. Went to sleep by 1am.

23/09/06 - Procrastination is my fiend

Last night, after writing the post, I found out that Sean had just "got into the zone" with his work, so we didn't go to bed early, as planned. Instead I trimmed my pubic hair - something I'd been meaning to do for ages. Then went and had a shower and Sean joined me when he was finished (he also went for a walk cos he didn't feel good). Shaved pubic hair off completely. It feels lovely now, and I feel so much better about Sean going down on me. I can just lie back and let him get on with it... Didn't get to bed until 11pm and then Sean and I had some fun, he just couldn't turn down my freashly shaved pussy, now, could he? Went to sleep somewhere around 1 I think, and no worried thoughts :)

Woke at around 9:30 am and lazed around for a bit. Read to Sean. Still loving that morning time. Really need to savour it while I still can. We finally got up at 11ish. Did a quick routiene on the computer, well, it felt quick but it wasn't really. Lunch wasn't until 3 (yikes!) and then after that... well, it seems I must've wasted most of the day again. But I'm feeling really good. Ahh, we watched a really long TV programme over lunch, about the book of revalations in the Bible. Tony Robinson presented it and it ended really well. After that I suggested to Sean that I might like some head (following the experience I had last night) and he let me have it. In the end we 69'd for a while until I came and then he let me have him in me without a condom. Fantastic! Right near the end was the best, orgasm after orgasm without much of a pause inbetween. I wasn't sorry when he came, though; in my mouth, may I add. I was exhusted. Had to do dinner straight after that 'cos it was already 6. I don't think I'll be doing burgers again. They smoke the oven out. Feeling loads better today - our talk yesterday must've cleared the air. Sean agrees.

Tomorrow:

• Really, really, must tidy house (or at least downstairs) for the BBQ
• Up by half 9 at the latest to meet Sally and Mark and maybe even start tidying before they come.
  

22/09/06 - Opening the communication channels

After writing post last night, Sean still had work to do so read through the rules I had found. They raise some very good points and I'd like to read through them again soon. Didn't get to bed until around 11, and Sean read to me for quite a while. Couldn't sleep when light turned off, so we talked. It was good, we talked about the weekend we met. It made me feel close to him. So close, in-fact, that I decided to tell him something that had been playing on my mind for some time. I said to him that I have been feeling insecure about our relationship. He said he didn't want to talk about it so close to bedtime. I saw where he was coming from, but I couldn't help but think about it. I told him that I've been feeling really broody too. And really I have. There was a part of me that just wanted to make our relationship a proper commitment and then I wouldn't feel so insecure about it. But that's such a bad reason to get married and have a baby.

My mind carried on thinking about the time we met up with Sally, Mark and all of their friends. All of the females had engagement rings. We sat at a table while the men went and got the drinks, and they were all talking about how their weddings were going to go and everything. I enquired if all of them were "properly engaged", if they'd talked to their parents about it. Yes, yes they were. I felt left out, but most of all jealous. Sean and I had been together for longer than any of the other couples there. We had a deeper, more meaningful relationship than any of them. We'd been through so much more. Why wasn't I the one who was properly engaged? Why weren't we talking about my wedding day, my future with my husband? The names we were going to call our children?

All this was going round my head, and then I started to think about another friend of mine, who I have recently learned is five months pregnant. I was suddenly insanely jealous. I couldn't sleep for ages.

I woke at around half nine and by ten I was reading to Sean. Thoughts of last night out of my mind. Out of bed at half 11 and by 12:50 had left for town to do shopping. Was determined that I wouldn't spend all day on the PC like yesterday - and I didn't. I was very proud of that. Made lunch, was good, and watched tele with Sean. Spent a little bit of time on the PC upkeeping BlogStormz! then Sean decided we had to have a "heart to heart".

He wanted to talk about what I had said last night, about feeling insecure. He said that he'd been feeling like it for a while and maybe it was rubbing off on me. He said he thought his main problem was that he wasn't in love with me any more. It's something we've both come across before. The feeling of being in love doesn't last long - 18 months at most. Sometime around February I fell in love with Sean all over again and the feeling was fantastic. I was top of the world, and nothing could bring me down. I didn't have any black dog attacks and it lasted all the way until my Grandad died. Then I had five days of crying myself to sleep - just like during the black days. The feeling of being in love disapeared and I haven't had it since. We both know this and we've delt with it before. But hearing him say that he isn't in love with me did cause a tear in my eye. But it's all fine. Once he got it off his chest, he felt loads better about our relationship and I knew where he was coming from. I had told him the other day to stop treating me like I was fragile and was going to break down into a nervous breakdown, so he did, and I'm glad for it. Nethier of us want the relationship to end, so it isn't going to. Today is a big step in Getting Things Back To Normal.

After that, we made dinner together - playing on PlayStation while it cooked.
After dinner, we went for a walk and I told him I was finally feeling good about our talk - until then I didn't feel too good about it and didn't really know what I should do. But I think things should just carry on, and now I think our channels of communication have been opened, just like they were before the black days.

Even got the the stage of talking about threesomes. That's something I'd really like to try one day.

Things for tomorrow:

• Party is Sunday, so really do need to tidy up house for it. Sally and Mark may be coming tomorrow. Would like to somehow open up to Sally about Sean and I. She knows me the best and it'd be great to have her as a "best friend". She doesn't know about my black days at all, though I alluded to them last week.
  

Things for the week:

• Look in the Black Dog book about keeping a diary

21/09/06 - musings about size

Woke up at 10:30am. Read to Sean until 11:15am. I love this morning time together. I want to cherish it while I still can. There's only two weeks to uni, then after that this will probably only happen at the weekends.

11:15am - 2:00pm I did my "morning duties" - checked e-mail, checked on BlogStormz!, got both of us breakfast, started planing our HNT (as it's Thursday), then carried on to update this very blog - as I decided I wanted to start it again. What caused this was my "episode" last night; I don't really know what happened, suffice to say both Sean and I were upset by the end of it. I spent way too much time on the PC this morning, and didn't get lunch done till half two.

Watched TV over lunch. That's another time I really enjoy being with Sean. Another time that'll be severely reduced come the start of uni.

I think I pretty much carried on playing on the computer until around four when Sean decided it was "cuddle time". That's when I mentioned the HNT pic, and within moments he had me naked and tied up. Many, many photos were taken and once Sean was happy he'd taken one he liked he gave me a treat. A BIG treat, if you know what I mean. He kept me tied up, and mounted me from the rear. It kinda hurt, I don't think I was ready for it. There's a part of me that wants to go off and find out just how big he is compared to other men. I wonder if my lack of deep-throating skills and my dislike of anal sex is because he's big. I mean, I can't even handle rough doggy style anymore. I want to be pleasing, I want to take what he wants to give (he's still keen on the anal idea. I've had enough after three tries, even though it was a long time ago) but I don't think I can.

Dinner was a bit of a blunder, but it tasted good. We're planning to be in bed for half 9 and read together until around 10. Early night tonight after last night!

Black Dog attacks - none. Still kinda recovering from the one last night. Still feel a little fragile, and the aches in my tummy (from this afternoon) and in my boobs (from Sean's massive mistreatment of them last night) isn't helping on that front.

Things to do tomorrow

• Look in the Black Dog book about keeping a diary
• Read over the rules I've just found
• Tidy downstairs in peraparation for a weekend party